Fix you

My blog has no pictures, how boring hahahais. Anyway, when writing an essay, I know that quotes are supposed to substantiate my points but is it wrong if i do the opposite? I.e. find usable quotes and then try to prove a point from there? But I guess I already do know the answer, if not why do I keep going over and rewriting my essay?!

Just now after training we went to eat at PGP at KGourmet and the portion was HUGE. Studied and had prata and let me say, the feeling of having prata in your tummy is just shiok! Thanks to our living and breathing food guide, I had awesome prata plaster and the egg in it was so thick I felt like I was having a prata omelet of some sort. I haven't had a prata since....oh if you happen to by takeaway prata, try it with the curry mixed in (say kuah campur or something like that) and eat it when its WARM. Eat it with your fingers and smell the curry after, hahaha okay I know it sounds gross, but you're only saying that cause you have not tried it. By the way, I put down my name for UM (actually I didn't but one of the seniors just submitted my name for me haha!) and I'm actually pretty scared. But like what Marlia told me, I should just go for it, yes? Plus, it's just a selection and I don't even know yet if I can make it through that.

is this how it feels like?

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.” ― Sylvia Plath

By the way,

:)

You might not get me, but that's okay

Today I realise that at 18 (not yet my birthday), it is okay to have an urge to buy a big bag of candy, and to actually do it. And that is it okay to eat that candy alone on a bridge. I found a lego organiser and that made me excited today. At 18, candies and lego still makes my heart beat faster haha! I realise that I don't know as much as I thought I would when I was 15. But at 18, I realise that there are all sorts of people in this world, some I can get along with, some I can't and some that I don't even want to get close to. I realise that being older does not necessarily mean I'm more brave. If anything, it makes me more hesitant, doubt people more, analyse each of them over and over in my head. Analyse does not equate to judge. You learn more about the world. The more you know, the more you realise the world is larger that you think. You grow. But with each knowledge, you find yourself getting more cynical. I know there are great things that can be done in the world, but I don't know if I would be capable of doing it. I try to convice myself that it's okay. To be 18, and at a crossroad. To tell yourself to "take a step, plunge in, go with your gut". I have no idea if I'm making sense. But this is what I feel like at 18. If you don't get me, well that's just maybe cause you're not me.

If you see me

Good luck to me for the whole of this week! If you see me alive and kicking this Friday, please give me a hug ): (although I don't think anyone will cause no one reads this, boo)

Tonight the moon is real bright and big

I'm real tired but I just want to have a quick update cause this is the first time I really ran as in ran in a big group (outside of CCA)? haha I ran from school to West Coast and back with my silat seniors, adik Filza, Neni, Faiz and Azhar plus coach and it was exhilarating whooo. After that met up w Nunu, Hilma and Arif and I gave Hilma "a present" hahahah idk if she'll read this but cause she looked sad these days. But then again maybe it's just me. I sound a bit crazy in this post. Tomorrow I'll be getting back my thai writing test, Nature of Language mid terms and also SEA term assignment. I also have a group meeting for Nature of Language and SEA. Wish me luck!

Atok (grandpa)

His silhouette.
In the kitchen.
Back slumped on the chair, cane in one hand.

Unmoving.

Maybe, ever since nenek died his heart was still. As still as that night was. At that point of time in my mind I thought "no, that cannot be my Atok". I remember running away, running into my mum's room. I felt scared. Scared of my own grandpa whom I had lived with ever since I was a kid. 2, maybe? Looking back, I now feel ashamed for running away, I feel that I was being selfish. But I was a kid then and what did I know? For he had lost the person his mind would always think about and his heart had cared and survived for. His wife whom he had by his side ever since they came to Singapore to start a life together. They came from Indonesia with nothing. Nothing but the clothes on their backs. Nothing but each other to build a life and a home together. Now that she's gone, I'm sure that his heart feels empty. Empty....but yet heavy at the same time, of having to carry on life alone. He passed away about 3 months after she did.
This is a reminder, to no one but myself. This home went from nine to eight. To six.

We're all right where we should be

Ayam so tai yerd after training at ECP today! It was fun though. Like a change from outside MPSH 6 for once :) Halfway through I thought to myself "Oh no I'm so tired you think if I lie down by the side of the pavement will they make me get up and run???" but when you see the tired faces of fellow teammates and also seniors and how they're pushing through it just makes you wanna push harder. We celebrated the births (it's so weird and sounds really sacred when I put it this way) of the October babies namely Nurul, Arif, Captain Nazry, Amirah and Nazyra! HAPPY BIRTHDAY OCTOBER BABIESS! But...hahaha as usual some of us actually let the secret out to some of these people and I was there to witness (not partake) in one of them. Super hilarious haha!

And oh, I'm in the mood for a mini birthday post so, HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY NURUL KHAIRANI! Friends for 7 years (a third of our life:)
Here are some pictures of our evolution haha! I have no idea if anyone would see this though cause I haven't told my friends my blog link yet.

 Secondary 4, after graduation from Cedar :)

 Jalan raya w rembat gang 2009, J1! Oh gosh look at my raya bag....Marlia reminded me the other time that there was this once where I brought my converse sling bag for jalan raya *embarassed*

 Hahaha I look damn tired in this one! This was at Tanjung Pinang right when term started, during the fasting month. I loved the experience. Thanks Nurul for asking me along!

Jalan raya with Silat team 2011!

Photos all ripped off from facebook btw! First 2 credits to puny, second last to Hajar and last on to Nazry. This friendship has been one of the most blessed on I've had and...haha aiyah Nurul everything else that I want to say to you is in my white envelope I've given youuu :)

Anyway all day today I've had these 2 songs stuck in my head ever since before training kjdsfhiodhsnvnb!!

Karmin,my favourite youtube couples for now. Actually whenever I go to youtube it's just to watch them sing...haha! I know these songs came out long ago but.......I lag at discovering new music ): Okay off to do work byebye!

Doves

Everyday, I will see a new face. I learn a new name. But of course, there will be some faces I will no longer see. Names I will stop calling. There are those whom you stop contacting once your environment changes. Others who will gradually just phase out and disappear. Some you won't even realise they were gone until well...

Death. As we get older, we experience more of it. We think we cope better as we get older but no, it never become easier. First within the family. Then amongst acquatainces and friends. I remember my first loss, someone whom I still think about from time to time. At the moments when I least expect it. A friend asked me about him the other day through whatsapp (technology these days) and I couldn't hold back my tears. I missed him, and just talking about him, I realised that I cried not primarily because of sadness, but because a wave of relief has swept through me. Noone in our family talks about him anymore. Sometimes I wonder if he no longer exists in their minds or if they try to push him to the back of their minds, surpressing the urge to.

When a friend leaves...someone as young as you, it changes your perspective of things. Of the world. Of yourself. Although he was just a colleague, I can never forget his existence easily. He was one of the first few people I made friends with at work, and he insisted on accompanying me for lunch on my first day, my first ever job. Everyone knows how it feels to feel helpless and vulnerable on  first day. Sure, people have their bad traits, but when I remember someone who's gone, I think about their acts or traits that make me smile. I think about how I want to be remembered, and I remember them the same way. That is all that's left for me to do for them.