to the brim

This coming week is gonna be full of activities and packed...I can feel it in my bones! Actually no, I just have people to meet/things to do almost every day. This December does not really feel like a holiday. But I'm not complaining.

December the 1st

So I spent my first day of December getting my racepack for Standard Chartered with Marlia and met Nurul after at Starbucks. Pisang, you are dearly missed :( We took advantage of the one-for-one grande Christmas drink at Starbucks(4 cups in total!), but still I think we didn't take full advantage of it. Not after I heard what the dude behind us ordered, 14 cups in total! Even the barista was...well, speechless.

Exams finished on Tuesday for me! Headed out for Thai food with my classmates and it was fun. Laughter over dinner and making fun of the new KFC poster girl. "Eh that one my NUS Thai classmate leh" and, accusing L of "sleeping around in NUS" when in reality, he just keep switching halls in school haha.

Some photos grabbed off facebook,

This class is pretty international cause there's a Vietnamese guy, an Indonesian guy and a pretty Japanese girl! The one sitting at the front is my teacher and beside her is her son :)

I remember intimidating first lessons. Making new friends. This semester I went in to most of my tutorials knowing no one else (except for geography, and we only had 4 tutorials the whole semester). My first ever term paper was for SEA. That was one of the last few essays I got back. The first marker gave me a grade that made me happy, but because there were two markers my grade eventually dropped slightly. It's okay. "Next sem, next sem". Was alone  most of the time during my breaks during first half of the sem. But I didn't mind. I enjoyed being alone around campus although sometimes I can spend about 6 hours alone before talking to someone. This sem, I decided to do something I told myself not to. I picked up a CCA. And a pretty commitment heavy one (in terms of the number of sessions we have). But it's okay, I more than enjoyed it. It opened my eyes to so many things. Had my first ever huge jalan raya. Met so many people through this CCA. It pretty much helped me to shape my first semester. But I'm still trying to find that balance, between both. I struggled to study for finals, questioning myself about so many things. But the thing is, you don't have time to brood to much, you always go ahead although it may be hazy at time. But this is where people come in. They help you and guide you. When you also learn to rely on yourself and trust that you'll pull through.

This wasn't a summary of the sem. Felt too much for me to type out everything. I don't even know how to feel. I think it's impossible but I'll try, try to remember all of it.

If we were in the drama, I'd be casted as the supporting actress. Although it hurts to see someone do what I know goes on the brink of...impossible, cause it changed who I am as a person, it can happen. It will hurt, then immunity will go up, walls will be built and then "you're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul".

Oh yes, you have no idea what I am talking about do you. On a side not, I think I've not pointed my middle finger at anyone for a very long time hmmm

a thousand times over

Studying alone is not so bad. I try not to call it studying, but more like alone time. I don't like the idea of learning something just so I can use it for exams. But the thing with the Singapore education system is, that's what you get. I was talking to Hilma yesterday and I was thinking about why I can study alone now. I told her it's because "I don't want to regret too late and have nothing to write on my paper later on. Although I'm in Arts and I can "smoke" yes but I don't like coming out of the six months and learning nothing". I don't like this attitude of mine, learning just so I have something to write for the exams. I'm scared I'll forget everything I've learnt. What if my time in University does not change my thinking, does not make me a better person, a better thinker, a better leader. Physical geog will be the bane of my existence. What more with me horrifyingly recycling my geog notes which the golden Atlas girls Su, Syaf and Ern label as "the best kind of reincarnation".

Friends always make me feel better than I actually expect. Starbucks with Golden Atlas Girls (oh no the acronym for this is GAS) Monday and school/pasta after with Silat seniors yesterday.

Photo not by me.

A four-leaf clover.

I don't know why you trusted me but I'm glad you did. Was it cause I was a stranger? If you could trust me I don't know why I couldn't tell you how beautiful you are.

Well, for sure

I can't sing. But I do feel like learning how to play the guitar or the ukelele. Sometimes, I feel good listening to music but then again, it sucks knowing how you have no talent and cannot make some beautiful music myself. Finals make people do weird things, and made me fall in love with...

The wooden tables at Starbucks which makes me feel like I'm in a huge urban treehouse. And the smell of coffee in there. Also, if they get your order wrong (which shouldn't be the case), grab the wrong one. Then proceed to make a sad face complete with kitten eyes just like Connie did. If they ask you if you want them to re-make it for you, say that it's okay. Go back to seat. They'll send you another free one. But note: you have to look scary/remotely cute. Please don't expect anything if you look plain annoying sorry.

wait a little longer

People come and go no matter how much I want them to stay. Maybe it's my inability to...spill out my innermost feelings, to share everything. Like how girls are supposed to with other girls. Or how words get caught in my throat. So I swallow them instead, and let them snowball in me. If I want someone to stay, I can never gather enough courage to tell them. That is why, I've learnt not to get too close, and I never let anyone get too close. I have wonderful friends I really do. I laugh and smile all the time but sometimes I wonder if everyone's really my friend and if I'm really theirs. Even if I do get the courage to tell someone that I want them to stick around, will they really stay? Will there be anything in me that'll make them want to stay?

Fix you

My blog has no pictures, how boring hahahais. Anyway, when writing an essay, I know that quotes are supposed to substantiate my points but is it wrong if i do the opposite? I.e. find usable quotes and then try to prove a point from there? But I guess I already do know the answer, if not why do I keep going over and rewriting my essay?!

Just now after training we went to eat at PGP at KGourmet and the portion was HUGE. Studied and had prata and let me say, the feeling of having prata in your tummy is just shiok! Thanks to our living and breathing food guide, I had awesome prata plaster and the egg in it was so thick I felt like I was having a prata omelet of some sort. I haven't had a prata since....oh if you happen to by takeaway prata, try it with the curry mixed in (say kuah campur or something like that) and eat it when its WARM. Eat it with your fingers and smell the curry after, hahaha okay I know it sounds gross, but you're only saying that cause you have not tried it. By the way, I put down my name for UM (actually I didn't but one of the seniors just submitted my name for me haha!) and I'm actually pretty scared. But like what Marlia told me, I should just go for it, yes? Plus, it's just a selection and I don't even know yet if I can make it through that.

is this how it feels like?

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.” ― Sylvia Plath

By the way,

:)

You might not get me, but that's okay

Today I realise that at 18 (not yet my birthday), it is okay to have an urge to buy a big bag of candy, and to actually do it. And that is it okay to eat that candy alone on a bridge. I found a lego organiser and that made me excited today. At 18, candies and lego still makes my heart beat faster haha! I realise that I don't know as much as I thought I would when I was 15. But at 18, I realise that there are all sorts of people in this world, some I can get along with, some I can't and some that I don't even want to get close to. I realise that being older does not necessarily mean I'm more brave. If anything, it makes me more hesitant, doubt people more, analyse each of them over and over in my head. Analyse does not equate to judge. You learn more about the world. The more you know, the more you realise the world is larger that you think. You grow. But with each knowledge, you find yourself getting more cynical. I know there are great things that can be done in the world, but I don't know if I would be capable of doing it. I try to convice myself that it's okay. To be 18, and at a crossroad. To tell yourself to "take a step, plunge in, go with your gut". I have no idea if I'm making sense. But this is what I feel like at 18. If you don't get me, well that's just maybe cause you're not me.

If you see me

Good luck to me for the whole of this week! If you see me alive and kicking this Friday, please give me a hug ): (although I don't think anyone will cause no one reads this, boo)

Tonight the moon is real bright and big

I'm real tired but I just want to have a quick update cause this is the first time I really ran as in ran in a big group (outside of CCA)? haha I ran from school to West Coast and back with my silat seniors, adik Filza, Neni, Faiz and Azhar plus coach and it was exhilarating whooo. After that met up w Nunu, Hilma and Arif and I gave Hilma "a present" hahahah idk if she'll read this but cause she looked sad these days. But then again maybe it's just me. I sound a bit crazy in this post. Tomorrow I'll be getting back my thai writing test, Nature of Language mid terms and also SEA term assignment. I also have a group meeting for Nature of Language and SEA. Wish me luck!

Atok (grandpa)

His silhouette.
In the kitchen.
Back slumped on the chair, cane in one hand.

Unmoving.

Maybe, ever since nenek died his heart was still. As still as that night was. At that point of time in my mind I thought "no, that cannot be my Atok". I remember running away, running into my mum's room. I felt scared. Scared of my own grandpa whom I had lived with ever since I was a kid. 2, maybe? Looking back, I now feel ashamed for running away, I feel that I was being selfish. But I was a kid then and what did I know? For he had lost the person his mind would always think about and his heart had cared and survived for. His wife whom he had by his side ever since they came to Singapore to start a life together. They came from Indonesia with nothing. Nothing but the clothes on their backs. Nothing but each other to build a life and a home together. Now that she's gone, I'm sure that his heart feels empty. Empty....but yet heavy at the same time, of having to carry on life alone. He passed away about 3 months after she did.
This is a reminder, to no one but myself. This home went from nine to eight. To six.

We're all right where we should be

Ayam so tai yerd after training at ECP today! It was fun though. Like a change from outside MPSH 6 for once :) Halfway through I thought to myself "Oh no I'm so tired you think if I lie down by the side of the pavement will they make me get up and run???" but when you see the tired faces of fellow teammates and also seniors and how they're pushing through it just makes you wanna push harder. We celebrated the births (it's so weird and sounds really sacred when I put it this way) of the October babies namely Nurul, Arif, Captain Nazry, Amirah and Nazyra! HAPPY BIRTHDAY OCTOBER BABIESS! But...hahaha as usual some of us actually let the secret out to some of these people and I was there to witness (not partake) in one of them. Super hilarious haha!

And oh, I'm in the mood for a mini birthday post so, HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY NURUL KHAIRANI! Friends for 7 years (a third of our life:)
Here are some pictures of our evolution haha! I have no idea if anyone would see this though cause I haven't told my friends my blog link yet.

 Secondary 4, after graduation from Cedar :)

 Jalan raya w rembat gang 2009, J1! Oh gosh look at my raya bag....Marlia reminded me the other time that there was this once where I brought my converse sling bag for jalan raya *embarassed*

 Hahaha I look damn tired in this one! This was at Tanjung Pinang right when term started, during the fasting month. I loved the experience. Thanks Nurul for asking me along!

Jalan raya with Silat team 2011!

Photos all ripped off from facebook btw! First 2 credits to puny, second last to Hajar and last on to Nazry. This friendship has been one of the most blessed on I've had and...haha aiyah Nurul everything else that I want to say to you is in my white envelope I've given youuu :)

Anyway all day today I've had these 2 songs stuck in my head ever since before training kjdsfhiodhsnvnb!!

Karmin,my favourite youtube couples for now. Actually whenever I go to youtube it's just to watch them sing...haha! I know these songs came out long ago but.......I lag at discovering new music ): Okay off to do work byebye!

Doves

Everyday, I will see a new face. I learn a new name. But of course, there will be some faces I will no longer see. Names I will stop calling. There are those whom you stop contacting once your environment changes. Others who will gradually just phase out and disappear. Some you won't even realise they were gone until well...

Death. As we get older, we experience more of it. We think we cope better as we get older but no, it never become easier. First within the family. Then amongst acquatainces and friends. I remember my first loss, someone whom I still think about from time to time. At the moments when I least expect it. A friend asked me about him the other day through whatsapp (technology these days) and I couldn't hold back my tears. I missed him, and just talking about him, I realised that I cried not primarily because of sadness, but because a wave of relief has swept through me. Noone in our family talks about him anymore. Sometimes I wonder if he no longer exists in their minds or if they try to push him to the back of their minds, surpressing the urge to.

When a friend leaves...someone as young as you, it changes your perspective of things. Of the world. Of yourself. Although he was just a colleague, I can never forget his existence easily. He was one of the first few people I made friends with at work, and he insisted on accompanying me for lunch on my first day, my first ever job. Everyone knows how it feels to feel helpless and vulnerable on  first day. Sure, people have their bad traits, but when I remember someone who's gone, I think about their acts or traits that make me smile. I think about how I want to be remembered, and I remember them the same way. That is all that's left for me to do for them.

my feelings in a bottle

I felt it, at that moment.
Happiness
Yet I could never stay the same for long
I learned new things and perceptions change
I changed
too fast
To you everything was perfect
To me everything felt wrong
I've never felt happier yet wrecked with guilt at the same time before
I felt too much of the wrong things
it was not the kind we needed
we didn't know till it was too late
You felt we were alike
I just thought
it didn't matter if we're not alike
but we wanted different things
Strangers again
You and I
We (no longer exist in our minds)
but we will always be unfinished business

Recess week day 2

Today I started off a rainy day with blueberry yogurt for breakfast, and then I took my mum's car to school.Thank goodness for my super awesome parents, they would always send us wherever we want to go without complaining! NUS and Bedok in Singapore is like the North and South pole in the world please. After that, discussed Islam studies assignment with Shyaza, had my fav hotbake sandwich and off to tutorial. That tutorial was intense I tell you! After that had lunch with silat seniors and we were given access to a secret place in school. Ride home was bo-ring, a weird couple was sitting in front of me and they were talking about me...or was I being too self conscious?

I felt so...I don't know what the word is...depressed in the train? I was mostly surrounded by working adults and they were all so gloomy, and looked so disinterested in their surroundings. Most of them were rushing to get home I guess. Rushing for dinner. I thought to myself "Is this how I will be like after I graduate? What if I don't want to follow this path? Can I do something else? Can I be someone else?"

Time will tell!

Tomorrow I'll have silat training but before that, I'll be going down to NUS museum for....
The Sufi and The Bearded Man: Re-membering a Keramat in Contemporary Singapore.

[Image credit: Nurul Huda B. A. Rashid, Singapore, 2010]

This exhibition re-members the keramat of a 19th century Sufi traveler from the Middle East who lives on in contemporary Singapore through her miracles and her shrine which was recently removed. Re-membering the keramat has involved a two-year long project of collaborating with Ali, an intermediary of the Sufi and custodian of the masoleum referred to by fellow devotees as "the bearded man". These conversations culminated in the keramat and its life-worlds entering a museum, a transition animated by the display of photographic evidence, material remains or artifacts, anecdotal histories and related documents. Considering alternative ways to recount and understand heritage, The Sufi and the Bearded Man, calls attention to devotional culture, lesser-heard narratives and esotericism in Singapore.

I'm quite excited to head down, maybe cause I've never been to museum for quite some time!

(p.s. Is it just me or do I sound crazily trigger happy in this post?)

One more day to recess week

But first I have to get over some “hurdles”; tonight it includes finishing up this Southeast Asia assignment which just requires me to tie up some loose ends and make me sound more coherent and convincing. I liked doing this assignment honestly although it has been weighing on my mind ever since we were told about it. Backspace, rephrase, delete, synonyms. Print it, hand up to the box outside the office, and turn it in online. Also not forgetting, hopefully ace my Thai listening test tomorrow. I wonder how that’ll turn out?

But after that wuuuuuu!!! Rest, raya, study, silat, run, gym, friends, updating my phone’s music on repeat. Maybe take more photos. Can you smell the freedom? But wait, in retrospect, recess week just gives a fake sense of freedom! Oh yea I took up silat haha I can never be a chill student in school…

(all these totally copied from my tumblr btw, cause I'm too lazy and also cause everything and anything personal gets lost in the myriad of reblogs on tumblr)

never mind I'll find someone like you

I hope that in the pursuit of acadamia, I don't lose myself, God, my friends, my social life (or what is left of it), the things I love and all things important to me...cause honestly, you'll be like a blank, new notebook, just filled with lines but with nothing filled in between them. You have no opinions of your own, no adventures, no friends to have adventures with, nothing to hold on to, no family and friends to love and to be loved by. Yes, everyone will be alone at some points in their lifetime but you'll be alone and lonely.

What to eat when you're hungry after a run

Post 4.4k run - Honey cinnamon oatmeaaaal. I can make oatmeal turn to dessert, seriously. I don't kid when it comes to food. Especially oatmeal. In the morning I made....chocolate strawberry oatmeal. But I've no pictures for that sadly.
Also, did anyone watch the Sg vs China match yesterday? Was that the most kayu/obviously bribed ref ever or what?!

timecheck

2.07 am. And I am leaving for tanjung pinang later at noon!! Was texting XQ cause we were both thinking of whether we should do OCIP, but we found out that most of the ones we were interested in had already either closed their registration or had enough volunteers ): But it's okay! Cause we found one which was different, so we're just waiting to see if we can join that! I'm gonna head off to bed now haha this post was random.

First day

Day one of school at NUS today. Never felt more vulnerable haha! Had SSA2206: Islam and Contemporary Malay Society and Geog intro lecture. Weather today = unbelieveably good! Really thankful to have some friends around like XQ who spammed me with stuff on bidding, Puny, who always ask me what mods I'm taking what tutorials etc so we can be together (I didn't realise this at first but nowI'm touched!) and also Nurul for waiting after school to go home together. We dropped by the Geylang bazaar and were taking the longest time to decide if we should buy ramly burger haha! And the cook asked Nurul if she was local, he thought she was Thai. Indonesian or something I'd accept, but Thai....

the act of surprising

This was how I spent my first day in NUS.  There's this girl I met at the MS/PBMUKS FOC and she's my faci, Khai. I told her I had to come to school to buy my textbooks and pass her my GC since she was taking a math module this sem. I didn't have to lie though, it was all true. I had to bring her to where my groupmates were at and she was....probably one of the hardest person to drag when she can’t see a thing (I covered the shades with tape!) See the candles at the last photo? They melted and blew out by themselves before Khai could even reach the place. And before we let her remove the shades, we forced her to "Just blow la" haha! This girl acts tough but deep down inside she’s quite a softie and a scaredy scared haha. Happy birthday Khai! :)

maybe in another life

Today, today I got real mad at a friend. Mad because...he had already lost so much. And as of just now, he has lost me. As a friend. Okay I just typed a chunk of angry stuff but I *backspaced*.  I don't want to be angry anymore....it's just not worth it. I went for a run and I feel so much better already!

what are words

One,
two,
three,
four,
five,
six.
Six.
I laid out six plates on our dining table. We never have have a complete set of identical plates anymore. And even if we do, I bet our cups won't match.

These past few days, I realise how much my parents have aged. I can't imagine life without them. You know, it's true. That no matter how much you hurt your parents, at the end of the day, they'll still love you and find it in them to forgive you.

My parents will always have a place in my heart that a lover just cannot fill.

A Note From the Universe

The slate’s been wiped clean, the past has released its grip, and before you sparkles eternity, yearning for direction. All that lies between you and the life of your dreams is just one teeny, tiny, gentle, little rule. Only one condition, prerequisite, principle that matters.

It’s not love. It’s not God. It’s not fate, or luck, or karma. It’s not complicated or esoteric, and you needn’t sacrifice, plead, or pray to invoke it. It’s the only rule that’s ever existed, and it’s the only one that will ever exist. No reality can exist in its absence. For its mere existence, you are. With its existence, the power, the light, and the way are revealed. It’s your purpose to discover it, and it’s your destiny to master it. It’s the beginning, the middle, and the end. The Alpha and the Omega. The be-all and end-all of every wish, desire, and dream, and you are its keeper.

This caveat of all caveats is that absolutely nothing can be anything until it is first imagined. Thoughts become things, nothing else does. And so, it’s the thoughts you choose from here on out that will become the things and events of your life, forevermore. It is written in stone. There’s no other way. It’s your ticket to anywhere you can dream of. Your passport to abundance, health, and friendships. The key to the palace of your wildest dreams.

Your thoughts, and your thoughts alone, will set you in motion. Your thoughts will yield the inspiration, creativity, and determination you need. Your thoughts will orchestrate the magic and inspire the Universe. Your thoughts will carry you to the finish line if you just keep thinking them. Never give up. Never waiver, doubt, or ask.

Aim high.

That you’ve even received this Note, that you’re able to read it through, means you are so close. So extraordinarily close. The hardest work has been done. The wars have already been waged. The lessons have already been learned. The journey, now, is for home.

Ain’t no Blarney,
The Universe(from http://www.tut.com/)

oh no i cracked my egg yolk

Date with crazy Tan W.L! I haven't seen her since we collected our A levels results so I just texted her yesterday asking her if she wanted to meet me and she said yes! If you know me, you'd know that I'd be the last person to plan outings or ask my friends out so I'm quite happy this date was a success (right W.L??).

Thanks for the evening :')

ever ready

I think I over stretched myself! From 0 camps suddenly I'm going to 3...!
This coming week 27-30 June: Sports camp, work @ USS on Sunday.
Following week, 6-8July: Windsurfing camp.
Week after, Malay Society Camp (my mum kept saying I shoould go and she'd even pay for me hahah but I was already planning to go!). Sigh no time to slack around already ): I'll be back!

Campin'

Last night I couldn't stand it any longer so I signed up for the Windsurfing July Camp and also the Sports Camp in NUS. I've been looking at their FB event pages and was so so tempted to join. And today...ta-dah I got a reply for the Windsurfing Camp! I'm pretty excited but I don't think I can swim super well, so I'm nervous as hell! But it'll be from 6 to 8 july so I still have time, I hope hehe.

04

"What words do you live by?"

"Hello"

03

Today I've went to the gym. Came back and was supposed to clean my room/shower/organise my wardrobe. But none of that is being done now except for breakfast...I've had toast with eggs yum.

I have a craving for chamomile tea but I can't have it cause tea stains my teeth D: Alright gonna shower now and read The King's Speech which my uncle got me from Borders last Sunday!!

02

How do I know I've moved on?

When I can't even remember the anniversary date no matter how hard I tried. I think I got it right but then again, I'm not sure. You still are the first person I think of when certain questions come to mind but I don't miss you at all. You're just a fleeting thought. Sadly, we're now strangers again.

01

So I think I need to find a space where I can just type and type and type. Since I've left behind a chapter of my life (in Meridian), I know that I'm going to experience many new things I just feel like having a new, clean space.
Anyway, these days I've been busy working at Universal. If not I occupy myself by watching the telly in reading books. Here's something I read from a book which I found interesting -

"But though she belonged to him, though she lived in his shadow, as if she could not be away from him, she was not happy. She did not want to leave him; and yet she did not feel free with him. Everything round her seemed to watch her. he had won her, he had her with him, she was his wife. And she - she belonged to him, she knew it. But she was not glad. And he was still foiled. He realised that though he was married to her and possessed her in every possible way, apparently, and though she wanted him to possess her, she wanted it, she wanted nothing else, now, still he did not quite succeed."

and

"No, he wouldn't let her exert her love towards him. No, she had to be passive, to acquiesce, and to be submerged under the surface of love. She had to be like the seaweeds she saw as she peered down from the boat, swaying forever delicately under water, with all their delicate fibrils put tenderly out upon the flood, sensitive, utterly sensitive and receptive withing the shadowy sea, and never, never rising and looking forth above the water when they lived. Never. Never looking forth from the water until they died, only then washing, corpses, upon beneath the surface. But while they lived, always submerged, always beneath the wave. Beneath the wave they might have powerful roots, stronger than iron, they might be tenacious and dangerous. in their soft waving within the flood. Beneath the water they might be stronger, more indestructible than resistant oak trees are on land. But it was always underwater, always underwater. And she, being a woman, must be like that."

The Fox by D.H Lawrence